New Years Eve

I literally wrote 2 pages worth of bullshit as to why I’m not celebrating New Years this year. I just deleted them.  This is going to be an “excuses free” year as well.   When it comes down to it, I’m not celebrating because I have my son.  I wasn’t suppose to have him, but my ex is sick (2nd New Years in a row).  I’m not complaining, I love being with him. Another reason why I’m not celebrating the New Year is my plans were cancelled. After breaking up with my boyfriend…or whatever he was, I am in no mood to party.  I’d probably end up being that drunken, crying girl at the party anyways.  Or the slut.  In either case, I think it’s best I just stay in and snuggle the night away.  I’ll be asleep by 10 I’m sure.  Oh look at that, my son is fast asleep and it’s 6:30.  Nice, now I’m truly alone.  Should I poke him?  Mommy needs some company……ughhhh pathetic yet again.

I’m feeling quite negative at the moment, in case you couldn’t tell.  Have you ever felt like you were running so fast but staying in the same place?  Or maybe that your life keeps going in a circle?  I have been making the same mistakes for my entire life.  I choose the wrong man, I never stick to healthy eating and I sure as hell can’t save a dime.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I’ve done so many right things, like:  went to college (paid for it myself), got a great job, I have a wonderful family and I have some close, true friends.  Am I comforted by not being comfortable?  Is my balance to be unbalanced?  God, I hope not.

Although I’ve set my goals in the first post of this blog I’ve thought of a few more.  Not resolutions (please ignore the date of me writing this), but more like ways of life.  How I want to live my life always.  In general, I want to be a good person.  Better than I am now.  I also want to break whatever it is that binds me to these bad behaviours I’ve been indulging in for the 33 years I’ve been alive.  That’s easier said then done.  I’ll stick to a month by month basis.  In January, each day I will do one good deed for a stranger.  That’s my “be a good person” goal.  Next, I will eat mostly unprocessed and gluten free foods with little to no meat.  Lastly, I will make a budget for my bills and savings and come out at the end of the month in the green.

Hmmmm……sounds like resolutions to me now that I read it.  We’ll see how this goes.

Sorry, I’m bitchy today.

PS.  I forgot to write that I was invited out to another New Years event tonight……………………………………………thanks mom. *grumble, grumble*

Cutting All Ties….The Heartbreak.

This past weekend was one of the first weekends I’ve had to myself since I broke up with my love. I was lonely. My initial thought was to call or text him. That’s how I know I’m getting stronger.  I didn’t.  I did however cause myself to have an utter breakdown (fetal position on my shag carpet in my bedroom for about 15 minutes).  How you ask did I do this to myself?  I cut the ties.

I got this thought in my head that I should cut all ties that bind me to this man that I love so dearly.  This is probably the lamest thing you’ll ever read but, I de-friended his mom, sister and mutual friends on facebook.  OMG! 😉 …the omg part is a joke, fyi. My heart was racing like I was getting ready to jump from a plane.  Of course, I politely told his sister what I would be doing, as to not offend anyone.  I am Canadian after all.  There you have it.  I cut all ties.  No more seeing likes or comments.  No more wondering if he’s just as miserable as I am…God I hope he is.  Just kidding…maybe.  I then proceeded to email “him”, so come Christmas , he would not be surprised at what I had done when he visits his family.  This was my mistake.  He emailed back.

Not only did he email me back, he wrote the most gut wrenching thing he possibly could.  I quote “I miss you terribly (nothing new here) and love you with all of my heart. I know that I will never find someone like you again. You are a “once in a lifetime” person. And I’ve lost you. Again.”  And that’s when I lost my shit, fell to the floor and sobbed like my 6 year old does when he smashed his finger in the door jab. (No he wasn’t around, I always control myself when he’s here).  It took me a good fifteen minutes to pick myself up.  I walked into the washroom and looked at my puffy red eyes.  I thought ” wow, this person has quite the hold on me”.  Never again.

A friend of mine today at work wanted me to watch a scene from a movie she said reminded her of me.  It was from the movie “The Holiday”.  Kate Winslet is sitting down to dinner with an elderly man just talking about life.  He asks why she’s alone and she proceeds to tell him that the love of her life is now engaged, and she starts bawling….I guess I could see how this reminds my friend of me.  The elderly man in this scene then tells Kate, there are 2 kinds of women in a movie, the best friend or leading lady.  You are playing the best friend role, when you should be playing the leading lady role in your life.  I get it.

Losing my lover hurt my heart more than anything ever has.  But, I wouldn’t take my time back with him for anything.  I learned so many things about myself.  So many things that I didn’t think I deserved or could do.  If I hadn’t met him, there would be a valuable piece of me missing, along with all the wonderful experiences I had with him.  I think when I partake on my trip alone next year, my bravery will be mostly because of him. Thank you ML.

One of my all time favourite quotes comes from the book “Eat, Pray, Love”.  “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.” And baby, I’m transforming.